So... The title of this BLOG needs some explaining. I'm fat. Oops did I make you uncomfortable with that? I'm not angry about it, or in some fantasy land of disillusion or anything. When I woke up this morning, I realized that telling people that I have been stung by a bee and swelled up isn't really working at my size anymore (although I still love to see kids faces when I say it) I am a regular guy that is addicted to bad food for really bad reasons. It's OK though, its only temporary... in fact it's falling off of me by the bucket full right now and I'm determined to keep it up. In fact that is one of the reasons for this BLOG. BUT WAIT THERE"S MORE! there are many types of scales and measurement and this is really about all of them and how a regular guy finally sees a light at the end of a long frustrating tunnel that has been his life. I'm doing it by throwing away conventional thinking! Throwing away other peoples measuring tools and prejudices, throwing away my own negative and limiting thoughts and ideas, and I threw away that DAMN scale. You know the one...the one that tells you that you lost 10lbs one week. and then gain 13lbs the next, eating celery and laying in a puddle of sweat and diet cola. Listen...It's working, stay with me and share my journey...
Why me?
I have spent the majority of my life wondering? There are "extraordinary" or "special" things that have happened to me, or for that matter they are even a part of me (my parents almost named me "Special Ed"). I state that as fact, not opinion. I have had many completely unbiased friends and family tell me to write books on my experiences, and who knows... maybe someday I will. Does that sound full of myself? Let me put it differently, I am lucky to have lived through some of my experiences, brushes with death, strange occurrences, and once in a lifetime opportunities. I marvel at other peoples experiences and try to learn all that I can from them. We truly live in an extraordinary world filled with wondrous things and special people. That is exactly NOT the reason I'm writing this.
Why now??
Not too long ago I realized that the very thing that made me "not so special" is probably the most important thing I could write about. Weird huh? I looked around and noticed the reality of my life and the common threads that I have, and saw that in many ways my life is no different that everyone else's. There was no single monumental event, It took coaxing, It took sorrow and loss in my life, it took nearly killing myself with anxiety and poor health, it took realizing that not everyone can go on a TV show to lose their weight and change their lives and maybe win a lot of money. Why now? It had to be now, its the only time we have... yesterday is gone (except our memories) and tomorrow may never come. So I'm starting now. (well I started months ago..but I'm writing about it now and from now on)
So... Please allow me the generically introduce myself:
a Father (6 kids, some adopted, all spoiled)
a Husband, with a beautiful wife that has saved me from many of the things in my past
Been divorced
42yrs old (43 in a couple of days)
I have weighed as much as 409lbs.
I am 6'1''
Been successful in business but have never been financially rich
I have been shot at, cheated on, laughed at, underestimated, hurt, made an example of, lied to, ignored, whispered about, demoralized.
I have also been, loved, understood, praised, lifted up, befriended, admired, awarded and congratulated.
Don't ask me how much weight I have lost if you want a number, I don't look at scales but I can tell you I have lost a lot, and need to lose alot more....
Please look for my many posts to this BLOG that are on their way. It is my sincere hope that this could help just one person skip some of the pain I have felt along my journey OR Make just one person laugh when they need it most.
Talk to ya soon!
The title of this BLOG needs some explaining. I'm fat. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! I'm talking about scales and measurements of all types. I threw them away and yes,I threw away that DAMN bathroom scale. You know the one,tells you that you lost 10lbs one week, and then gain 13lbs the next, eating celery and laying in a puddle of sweat and diet cola. Listen...It's working, stay with me and share my journey.
So... I have been dreading this weeks post.
ReplyDeleteI knew this week would come, I just didn't know when. If I'm going to be honest, and that is really why I'm writing all of this stuff...I have to put it all down. I guess it's good in a way? You be the judge.
Its been a tough week, really tough, like I have felt like giving up kind of tough. I have ultimately felt alone in my journey and well..a lot like a failure. I know I'm not alone, but when the weight of the world feels like its picked you to crush... It's a lonely feeling sometimes. Weeks like this are why I THREW AWAY THE SCALE. If I got on a scale and didn't like the number I saw...Wow, I know I would binge. That tells me right there how much further I need to go. The reality shows don't really show that battle. The weight is tough to get off, but the addiction, the dependency on food to hide the pain is the real battle going on inside of you. It's much worse for you than the ugly fat, and its hard to see, but it's there.
I don't see any change in my body this week. It may be happening, but not fast enough for me. I have stuck to my calorie intake and quality of food. I have worked out everyday. I have tried to meditate and not stress too much about all of the other things (and trust me there is a lot) that are concerning me right now. It feels like it has come to a halt. I don't see how I can increase my workout...3.5 hours in the gym a day is a lot. I don't know how I could eat less, I get dizzy how it is. I think this is a week where I need to dig really deep. So here is where I am at today, I don't know if its going to be enough. Maybe you are reading this at some future date and you are feeling the same way. So, I will let you know how it goes.
Life is tough, but I am tougher! When everything else about me gets called into question...at least I know I have the strength in me to try. Every time I get to this place, and I know this place well in the hundreds of diets I have been on. I end up folding because it is just too much. But this time I cant help but think... what's worse? Staying unhealthy and limiting my options and ultimately my life? Or pressing forward, opening options that I don't even see right now and living my life with choices and freedom. I want to climb the highest mountain and scream right now! I want to cuss out the world and tell it off for all the things I am afraid of, all the things that have happened to me, all of the things that are so unfair! But, right now...I cant climb a mountain, or at least If I did...I wouldn't have the energy left to scream.
The title of this blog, the theme of this ramble is THROWING AWAY THE SCALES. All of the measurements that life puts on you. All of the unfair judgments we live with everyday. The real measurement is ME. It doesn't matter if my clothes aren't more loose than last week, it doesn't matter what a scale might say, it doesn't matter what the world has to throw at me... what matters is that I'm not giving up! I AM NOT GIVING UP! I am going to climb that mountain and scream when or if I want. At 400lbs, with one leg?, It doesn't matter, I need to get healthy enough to give myself choices. I know that the workout and conditioning I did last week got me closer to that. I will continue to coax my body and my mind, with or without physical signs of progress. I know that most of the work I need to be healthy is on the inside anyway. I'm not giving up, Im not going to slip, I have to make this a change in me that will be a lasting one. I am different today than I was yesterday, I will be different tomorrow. I want a say in who I will be in the future, and sticking with this plan to invest in myself is the only logical way to get there...
Just watch me succeed.
You go Lou!! You've got it in you to succeed don't lose hope!! Don't let this crazy world stop you from your dreams! You deserve ultimate happiness!! I've got your back Bro!! I love you and will help you in anyway possible!! Go Lou Go!!!
ReplyDeleteLove you too SIS! Thank you so much for beind an inspiration to me.
DeleteWatching... thinking you're a success already... the hardest part of a plan like this is "stick-to-itiveness" (I know, I fail at this too)... hang in there, know that you are loved by friends and family alike (even if life is so crazy we don't get to chat much face to face)... and keep on keeping on! You rock!
ReplyDeleteThanks Merilee... Keep watching...I wont let either one of us down!
DeleteWhew.. Made it through that mess! I cant wait to get into the gym tomorrow. I still have made it everyday, I won't backdown! I see some more progress and that is helping, bt the support of friends and family goes alot farther. Thanks everybody!
ReplyDeleteI have realized something in the past few weeks...
ReplyDeleteFirst a quick upate on my progress: I dont know that I feel much different, but Im still on a roll with my exercise plan and diet. I have maintained my calorie intake everyday and hit the gym too! There have been a couple days where I kind of phoned it in at the gym...going through the paces without pushing too hard...but I did my workouts. It's difficult not knowing how much or little I have lost, especially in a time like this where I feel like I haven't made much progress...so..well thats kind of the subject of todays post.
I have written in past posts about measurements. The scale, clothes, measuring up to other peoples expectations in every facet of your life. I think measurements are necessary to a degree, but I think they can be defeating and unfair in many ways too. The scale sometimes shows a weight gain when really you have added muscle or retained water or the scale just sucks. We put these boundaries on each other and ourselves without really understanding the parameters. If our measurements were looked at as scientific, the studies would be laughed at, and tossed in the nearest bin.
Lately I have found another one of those measurements. I have relied heavily on people to say "Wow, you look like you have lost weight" or something along those lines, when I see them. I am even more anxious to here what people have to say when it has been a while since we have seen each other. I think this is a very unfair and un-scientific measurement that I have put on myself, and I need to knock it off! What about the shy people? What about people who really only see you as fat or thin? What about people not wanting to offend you? What about people who think its not there business...or for that matter blind people! Ok maybe thats a stretch... but you get what I'm saying don't you? There could be a million reasons someone wouldn't say anything at all. Some lady last night said to me..."Well atleast you're here", I thought..wow, I'm not sure if she was being rude or giving me a pat on the back. I of course chose pat on the back... Why not, it was a free compliment that way.
So here is my point. I am at the gym everyday! 3+ hours of pushing my body to regain the health and stamina it needs. I am strict on my diet and have been for a long while! I have changed my eating habits and have come to the conclusion that I need to eat healthier for the rest of my life. My favorite foods have changed. I was talking with my sweetie yesterday about how crazy it is to eat chicken wings! There has been a mighty change inside of me. So, Why is it that I need someone else to point out my efforts in an "Unmeasureable" way...when I have the facts documented everyday. I may not look different, I may not be thinner, maybe I am...doesn't matter...What matters is that my best efforts are on the table. I am putting in what is required. Being healthy is my goal, not being complimented. As long as I keep it up, I know I will get there.
So, If you are reading this... and you see me anytime soon, feel free to say or not say anything you wish about my weightloss. It will not offend, because as long as I am doing what I need to... I measure up!
Talk to you soon
Oh Lou. Lou Lou Lou. This means SO much to me. Words cannot express. Thanks for taking these steps and reaching out with your words because they help. They really help. Thank you.
DeleteThank You KAT... Your freindship means the world to me!
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